(no subject)

Not sure about anything. Mostly just thinking of ending it. Kind of shellshocked. Bargaining, like if I win the lottery tonight then I won't.

Could have some hope but I see no path back. No one can do this but myself, but the self feels irreparably damaged. Not by the break-up, but by the unnecessary steps to erase me. I wanted to preserve the friendship -- it's rare they survive -- but that's becoming corrupted by bitterness. But mostly the strange rigidity, the refusal to communicate, the hostility, the use of third-parties for basic transfer of information. All unneeded and unkind.

I can't even begin to explain how dehumanizing the rehab was. Why is psychiatry still allowed to deny a patient their liberty? The 'addictionologist' MDs there were all psychiatrists. Ugly history of "we know what's good for you." Eventually you become, by necessity, servile.

“It is apparently the size of the discrepancy between standards and perceived reality that is crucial for initiating the suicidal process.” –Roy Baumeister